i want to talk a little bit about types of awakenings... namely, desire.

i have a habit of jumping into things before i am fully ready. i do this mainly because if i didn't, i would never jump at all. i am too cautious by nature, too wary. i over-analyze many things, especially when it comes to things about myself.  all people do this to some extent, of course, but i do it to a fault. hence, the jumping.

as you most certainly realize by now, this record is about my Solo Queen's re-entry into the world of dating. i started this exercise as a means of freeing myself from the shackles of my former life, and i have had much success with it thus far.

but there was a part of me which needed to catch up to the rest, and it has finally done so with a vengeance.  i am talking about libido, here, Dear Readers, and it's back. but before you dole out the applause on my behalf, i warn you... i have no idea what to do with it!

look, it's quite simple, actually. Judas took me off the market many many many moons ago. i therefore had no need to explore my sexuality with any other body but his. and since desire fades over time, my libidinous bloom faded with it. i imagine it was a slow death, but in the end i was left with a sense of... neutrality... when it came to sex with other men.  fast forward to present day. Nutella stirred something in me; he planted the acorn, so to speak.  such gymnosperms take time to sprout, and while mine loosened its tough, leathery shell in order to take hold of my softer, more feminine side i went ahead and put myself on the market, crossing my fingers the whole way.  it's been a dramatic, mostly fun ride thus far, and i am having a grand time. but something shifted inside me very recently, and now the safety catch is off.

i hate to be so blunt, but, here goes: i want sex.

raw. unfettered. unadulterated.

 

there. i've said it.  i have needs, people!  i cannot always be the prim and proper sovereign, the upstanding citizen, the honorable one. sometimes i just want to be a bad girl. to the devil with strength and grace just for once, eh?

 

this desire has been bubbling upwards for some time now, but something occurred recently which has sent me completely over the edge, something which has wandered into the picture and this time.... this time i want to be naughty. this time i want to say "to hell with it"! this time i want to lose myself within the embrace and scent of another human being who i know would fit. oh. so. perfectly.

 

gah!  what is WRONG with me?!?!  it's like an electric current coursing through me at the most inopportune moments, one which is making it hard to concentrate on much beyond my own debased passion.  this will not do.

 

this will not do! guards! guards! take this thing away or else slake its thirst! i care not which anymore...

"Violate all the love that I'm missing, Throw away all the pain that I'm living,
You will believe in me, And I can never be ignored" ~Garbage