Falling Slowly Awake

Her Royal Highness has been dreaming a lot lately. Not your average/regular dreams, either, like the one where all your teeth become loose or you are expected to take an exam you didn’t study for. No, these have been strong and vivid dreams. Powerful omens? Specific portents? She is unsure, and since she has not yet consulted the kingdom’s Oracle she knows not what to make of these visions.

She dreams of many things, but there is a common throughput intertwined amongst the imagery. She dreams of a man. He follows her from dream to dream, the same character in each place. He wants her, desires her to be his, needs her to recognize him as her love interest.  This is not a joking matter, Dear Readers. This dream man is on the razor’s edge of becoming a ha’ant , or an incubus. She likes him, but she fears him a little, too.  When she wakes, she feels as if she ought to know this phantom, as if he is someone she is already familiar with. But that could just be the dreamstate creeping into her waking life.  He is tall, thin, blue-eyed, pale, bespectacled, brunette, charming, intelligent, a bit gawky and awkward. He hesitates in his actions but never in his words. The strangest part of this phenomenon is that this entity not only follows our queen in her dreams, but KNOWS just as she does that he is in a dream – he actually comments on occasion to the fact that they are traveling together through this OtherLand. He does nothing to frighten her, but the situation itself is unsettling. It’s downright spooky, in fact, and she wonders both where this is coming from and also where it will lead her.

On a separate but related note, yesterday HRH reached into her satchel to retrieve keys to the castle upon return to the kingdom. To her utter astonishment, a foreign coin fell from the bag to the ground at her feet. This currency was not one minted in Aes Sidhe; although legal tender in another place, it is not accepted in our realm. No, this coin which had no business being in her satchel in the first place comes from the lands of The Gold Standard. How did it get there? True, our beloved monarch travels to lands beyond our borders, but her satchel was cleaned and restocked more than once since her last adventure more than CCCLXV days ago! Another omen? We think this both exciting and disturbing. We can only hope the queen does as well.

Empty dreams can only disappoint
In a room behind your smile
But don’t give up
You can be lucky in love
Send me an angel ~Real Life

An Apology from Her Royal Highness to Her Fellow Solo Queens

To my fellow Solo Queens,

I am sorry for my seemingly continued absence from this parchment. You might begin to think I am simply not interested in communicating with you anymore, but that is simply untrue. Don't let the rumors dissuade you from your support.

No, Sisters, I have been writing regularly, just not to you.  It's not that I don't love you, for I love you with every fibre of my refurbished spirit.  It's that the point of my other writings has taken a very personal and private turn.  To what am I alluding to? A couple of things, actually, but I cannot be completely open & forthright with you at the moment. One of the writing exercises has been the revisit of my novel.  Oh? Did you not know?  Yes, I have been working on a story (mostly in my own head) for a number of years. I made an attempt a few years ago to commit it to paper, but my efforts were strangled and hurried. I am patient with many things, Sovereigns, but being patient with myself is clearly not one of them! Anyway, that aborted mission has always offended me, and the story is a good one therefore should not die on the vine. So I began again.  I don't know where it will lead me this time, but I can say for certain that it proves to be an unfortunate distraction from updates to Aes Sidhe.

Another distraction has been this queen's attempt to learn another language in earnest. Yes, indeed! A couple of weeks back The Brigadier General was the one to suggest what I have been thinking about for months anyway, and that was enough to push my inactivity into action! It is time to embrace not only Nutella's culture (and let's be fair, part of my own heritage), but his language as well. It is a beautiful tongue and sounds as lovely spoken as it does sung.  I admit I can comprehend much of it already, having taken lessons many moons ago. But I cannot speak a word, which makes me as much as mute to The Gold Standard. So why not tackle the problem head on? I have always considered myself as much a citizen of the world-at-large as my own fair land, so why not take the time to learn another language?  It makes perfect sense, and only serves to further broaden my horizons. As an added bonus, Prince Megillah is fluent and has offered to tutor me as I go along. Not a bad benefit to our friendship, that's certain!

"l'uomo che le sorveglia
adesso non é più sicuro
se veramente sono mai partite
oppure sono sempre state lì"
~Gianmaria Testa

a modern moment penned on the subway in five minutes

i wanted to:

• write you a song, but i couldn't remember the lyrics. you know, the ones from your dream where you're singing in my underwear in front of a cast of thousands.
• bake you a cake but the recipe called for caster sugar and i don't know what that is.
• show you the world, but you left before i had the chance to board the train and ask the provodnitsa if she would accept my Orient Express card
• introduce you to the face of God, but She told me that gods don't really have faces. they are merely constructs of the inner workings of Kurt Vonnegut's brain.
• build you a house, but you were looking for a split ranch while i bought the plans for a queen anne.
• tame you an eagle, but raptors were born to fly free. i will try to tame a great blue heron for you instead.
• paint you in acrylics, but all i had were oils. and they were all cerulean blue
• give you my germs, but my N95 kept you safe from contagion.

so all i have left to give is me, which is poor substitute indeed. however, since there is only one of me, at least you know I will become an instant classic that you can trade on eBay for the latest Sega title.

The Herald Reports Updates of the Land

Fair Citizens of Aes Sidhe: it has been a number of weeks since our sovereign last addressed her people and she feels time is overdue for an update.

The Hibernian Daredevil: The Queen and this dashing fellow met over drinks a couple of weeks ago, and they had a marvelous time in one another’s company. Talk was easy and light-hearted, and they fell into a comfortable patter with one another. For this reason or another, however, it seems that their connection could be placed squarely into the “friends” category, and seeing that the Daredevil is seeking a Solo Queen or Princess for more than just simple companionship it appears their meeting will be the only one of its kind. Our ruler wishes him nothing but the best, and hopes he finds his mate. He is a good catch and will make someone very happy one day.

The Real Megillah: The Queen and Megs are still seeing each other. She took him by surprise two weeks ago when he found himself in a difficult business quandary and she not only talked him down from the ledge but offered him sound counsel as well.  This was unexpected, you see, for not only is Megs smarter than she, but older as well. He admitted a little shamefacedly the next day that her advice was logical, multifaceted, and astute beyond her years. Our queen knows that Megs misjudges her often, for he is used to dealing with persons who are not his intellectual peers, so she was more than a little amused when he offered his gratitude.

The Brigadier General: A goodly part of the reason why there have been few news updates to regale you with, Citizens, is the fact that our kindly ruler spends much of her precious free time these days entertaining her friend the General. He departs Aethelred for dangers known and unknown (but most assuredly very, very real) in a few short days. He is anxious but ready; she is merely anxious. She knows not when she will hear from him after that, but is fully prepared to offer regular sacrifices to the Powers That Be in order that her friend the warrior-poet may return safely to his lands in short order. As a sign of our allegiance to our queen as well as support for the alliance with the people of Aethelred, many Persons of the Realm have taken to wearing camouflage armbands with fleur-de-lis & lightning insignia and will do so until the General returns to these gentle lands once more.

There is more yet to come, including an introduction to Baron Gallus Gallus, but for the moment be satisfied! Seeing as how we must leave the news unfinished, we shall not depart with a song today.

Shocking News of Potential Miracles

It cannot be!  How is this possible?  Have the gods answered Our Royal prayer?

My loyal subjects, Our missive today will be short and sweet, for Our mind is in such flutter We cannot be certain of Our composure and would prefer instead to remain mum.

The news from across the seas is being confirmed as We speak, but suffice it to say it is news of such import, such delight, and such shocking joy We are nearly jumping out of Our skin:

The Gold Standard will be returning to Aes Sidhe sometime in the coming months! That’s right, my Dear Ones: Nutella will once again grace Us with his presence!

We know not for what duration, but We do not care! 

Can you imagine it?

Our envoys have already been dispatched to ascertain the specifics of this news, but We are overjoyed at the prospect of once again laying eyes upon that most handsome of all men.

Could it be the gods have decided that the Royal We shall be allowed to have a second chance with The Gold Standard? If so, We will not squander it.

Get Me the seamstress! Fetch Me the cook! Call the stablemaster to My chamber!  Make haste! Make haste!  He comes…

“Do I hold you too tightly? When will the hurt kick in?
Life is beautiful, but it's complicated. We barely make it.
We don't need to understand: there are miracles, miracles.” ~Vega4

i want to talk a little bit about types of awakenings... namely, desire.

i have a habit of jumping into things before i am fully ready. i do this mainly because if i didn't, i would never jump at all. i am too cautious by nature, too wary. i over-analyze many things, especially when it comes to things about myself.  all people do this to some extent, of course, but i do it to a fault. hence, the jumping.

as you most certainly realize by now, this record is about my Solo Queen's re-entry into the world of dating. i started this exercise as a means of freeing myself from the shackles of my former life, and i have had much success with it thus far.

but there was a part of me which needed to catch up to the rest, and it has finally done so with a vengeance.  i am talking about libido, here, Dear Readers, and it's back. but before you dole out the applause on my behalf, i warn you... i have no idea what to do with it!

look, it's quite simple, actually. Judas took me off the market many many many moons ago. i therefore had no need to explore my sexuality with any other body but his. and since desire fades over time, my libidinous bloom faded with it. i imagine it was a slow death, but in the end i was left with a sense of... neutrality... when it came to sex with other men.  fast forward to present day. Nutella stirred something in me; he planted the acorn, so to speak.  such gymnosperms take time to sprout, and while mine loosened its tough, leathery shell in order to take hold of my softer, more feminine side i went ahead and put myself on the market, crossing my fingers the whole way.  it's been a dramatic, mostly fun ride thus far, and i am having a grand time. but something shifted inside me very recently, and now the safety catch is off.

i hate to be so blunt, but, here goes: i want sex.

raw. unfettered. unadulterated.

 

there. i've said it.  i have needs, people!  i cannot always be the prim and proper sovereign, the upstanding citizen, the honorable one. sometimes i just want to be a bad girl. to the devil with strength and grace just for once, eh?

 

this desire has been bubbling upwards for some time now, but something occurred recently which has sent me completely over the edge, something which has wandered into the picture and this time.... this time i want to be naughty. this time i want to say "to hell with it"! this time i want to lose myself within the embrace and scent of another human being who i know would fit. oh. so. perfectly.

 

gah!  what is WRONG with me?!?!  it's like an electric current coursing through me at the most inopportune moments, one which is making it hard to concentrate on much beyond my own debased passion.  this will not do.

 

this will not do! guards! guards! take this thing away or else slake its thirst! i care not which anymore...

"Violate all the love that I'm missing, Throw away all the pain that I'm living,
You will believe in me, And I can never be ignored" ~Garbage

The Brigadier General

There is another character to add to the mix of beautiful souls congregating within the halls of Aes Sidhe’s court. This fellow is in a special category and although his identity has remained secret up until this point, he holds a particularly ethereal and special place in our queen’s heart.

Our sovereign and the Brigadier General met whilst she visited a friend outside the borders of Aes Sidhe. Their meeting was unplanned, unvetted, and unsuspected. What came of this chance encounter was an immediate connection and affinity for one another. The delightful part to this story, Dear Readers, is that neither person came to the party presented in full regalia. No, in this instance not only did our queen travel without retinue and dressed as a simple noblewoman (as is her regular custom at such times), but the General did exactly the same thing! They met and enjoyed one another’s company as two human beings, not as leaders in their own lands. They were coequals that day, not due to the roll call of royal peerage, but simply as woman and man.  They volleyed topic after topic at one another, and each held sway over the other in aggressive subjects but delicate deliveries. This friendship blossomed into a gratifying long-distance correspondence, for the General hails from Aethelred, the land which borders upon Aes Sidhe’s western hills.  It is a nation both wild and free, yet full of discipline and trained legions of musketeers. This description fits the Brigadier General himself, for he is a man full of contradiction in form and figure. A bard, a philosopher, a guardian of the mountains and beasts that lie within his borders, a strong man with a boyish charm… these are all various facets of this complicated jewel of Adam. On the other side of the cut gullion he presents to the casual observer:  focus, fearlessness, a military drive composed of steel and gunmetal gray. He is intense, foreboding, and possesses a superior intellect. He is a true warrior-poet, bound by honor and blessing to balance the cruel realities of the earth while living by the standards of the heavens.

Recently, our Royal One received news that the General was going away for a long period of time beyond the shores of either Aethelred or Aes Sidhe to a desolate place full of violence and hatred… a place where the denizens despise the very concept of Aes Sidhe, or Aethelred, or any other judicious and beloved land. Oh horror! to a place of dust and rubble, where one can barely trust the sight before one’s own eyes never mind the sight beyond. And finally, to a place where the General knows he will be vilified as Enemy.  He leaves with a full tiger’s heart, but he leaves behind a fretful ally queen. He does not want her to worry, but worry she will. For how can she not? He has besotted her, and she him.  It was not intentional, but things don’t always happen the way we mere mortals plan them. Life often makes other decisions for us while we stare off in a different direction.

Now, Dear Readers, one could pull from this story the notion that our beloved queen has met her match. Fair of face, strength of body and character, honor, grace, intelligence, good humor… these are the very traits she seeks in a partner, and the Brigadier General embodies them all.  But we are deeply saddened to report on the queen’s behalf that There Is A Canonical Impediment. It is no one’s fault, not the queen’s, not the General’s, not Hera’s. But it exists, nonetheless, and so our story will have to remain unresolved to the secret desires of the Solo Queen or her sage counterpart. As friends they will venture forth, this man and this woman. But it is with perfect certainty we commit here to parchment that she will wait and worry for him while staring up at the stars during the coming months, and he will think of her while staring up into a different sky MMMMMMMCCC miles away from their shared borders.

Life is not always fair, Children, but our queen will take succor with this situation as best she can...

The picture is burned at the edge
And you’re looking away
Looking for what’s next
And strange how through time we look the same
Your eyes and mine looking away
Too scared to see human remains ~Tom McRae