Fear-Full!Less! Contemplation

The queen met with an almost full retinue of ladies-in-waiting this weekend. The mood was one of celebration and joy.  Much of Aes Sidhe’s latest gossip was shared and dissected amongst the women in the spirit of good-hearted fun.  However, much to the queen’s surprise, her ladies were prepared to delve into questions about the Princes which had not occurred to her at that point in time. They had many of their own personal faerie tales of less-than-chivalrous acts to divulge, and divulge they did!  Our queen was left on her dais dumbstruck and fearful.  Why didn’t I think of that, she asked herself. What if that’s true, she wondered.  She walked away from that afternoon’s repast not in happy expectation but cautious anxiety. Our sovereign does not share the minutiae of her queenly duties with many, and when it comes to entertaining princes she can appear almost mute on the subject. Dysphonic. The ladies were all atwitter with the details she was willing to share, but rather than be happy for her some of the company appeared to be downright judgmental. It left our ruler with much to ponder.

I’m not certain what The Rules are. I haven’t reviewed He’s Just Not That Into You. I’m from Mars more than Venus. I don’t, as a rule, lie to members of the opposite sex (full disclosure: this rule does not necessarily hold true in business. But that’s a different ball of wax, now, isn’t it?). I don’t believe in fabricating stories in order to impress someone of romantic interest. I mean, what happens if you lie, and then that person does become interested in you, and then you have to disclose the truth? What a disappointment!  No, yours truly may be making a mistake by being upfront and honest with these new friends I am making, but it’s who I am.  And I am seeking The Gold Standard, don’t forget. I am not interested in the chaff.  The chaff don’t really matter. Therefore, I am careful who I select to befriend, and I am careful about cultivating that friendship.  Don’t be misled – I am not suggesting I have told anybody anything about my former kingdom. At least, I am acutely aware of the proper amount of spin control.  But I am not going to willfully present myself as someone other than who I am. I wear many masks, that is true.  But each mask is a part of me, and each mask represents a facet of my very-real personality.

My friends were frightening me for my own good, I think. I hope. I hope they weren’t frightening me for a darker purpose!  And it isn’t to say they were all that way: two friends of that company in particular have been infinitely kind and gentle with me. They are simply happy I’ve decided to end my sentence in the Ivory Tower and rejoin the ranks of real human beings. I have been away for so long, Dear Readers!  I cannot say whether what I am doing is for good or ill. All I know is that I am having fun, more fun than I have had in years.  I like the new me. She is more aggressive and playful, not willing to be a subject in her own land.  She is smart and funny and kinda sexy-bookish, if there even is such a term out there ;)  Lady Eva says that Tina Fey could play me in the movie about my life.  I take that as a compliment.  But regardless of who plays me in the role, or whether there is a term such as “sexy-bookish”, I intend to move slowly forward with these and any other Princes who may catch my discerning eye. I was a prisoner for eons; now that I am free I intend to take full advantage of what life has to offer me.

I will not cower. I will stumble. Fall. Stagger. Recover. Fall again. Dance. Leap. Pirouette. Embrace. As long as that chain of events keeps me lively and happy, then I will continue on my merry way.  My ladies-in-waiting, although protecting me with the best of intentions, have forgotten the simple fact that this is my second shot at life.  What a blessing!  How many of us actually have that, or even if we have it how many of us recognize it for what it is and take full advantage?!?!

No, the queen shall remain contemplative until the First of Dates. She remains cautious always. But she will not lock herself away, will not become inured to the joy of dalliance simply because it has injured others in the past. She hid for so long.

She’s done hiding.

“And tell me, is it a crime to have an ideal or two? Evolving takes it's time, we can't do it all in one go. Doesn't have to drive us all mad, we can only do our best. Let the mind shut up, and the heart do the rest” ~Howard Jones

Theorum I: The Art of Sex

i have a theory. the Art of Sex has very little to do with the Act of Copulation. copulation is something all mammals do; it's a biological imperative meant to enhance and/or propagate the species. there is no joy to it. it is a physical act: insert tab A into slot B, thrust repeatedly, and share some chromosomes. it lasts moments, a few minutes at best. it may or may not be pleasurable.

big f'ing deal.

yeah, i hear you. i get it. sex is great! sex is awesome! sex is hawt!  but you're missing the point i'm trying to make: sex IS great. at least, it can be.  but sex is not copulation.  at least, not in this gal's lexicon. 

as far as i'm concerned, the best part is the game. the pursuit. the fencing match. the dance between two individuals who are physically attracted to one another but who don't immediately give into their basest nature.  channel that energy into something Other. perhaps a creative outlet such as... writing a blog, for instance ;)  or painting a picture. or unlocking MRSA's mysteries. i think sexual tension is one of the most delightful sensations a woman can experience. but it's not having sex. not even close.

being skilled in The Art of Sex is a powerful tool, indeed. Cleopatra wrote the book, in my opinion. picture this: an 18-year old Macedonian queen who inherited a crumbling kingdom full of economic difficulties, famine, drought, corruption, and dangerous political conflicts. her kingdom was hemorrhaging tributes at a rapid rate.  so what does she do? she smuggles herself into the private chambers of the most powerful man in the world, seduces him somehow, and a short nine months later bears him a son. she convinces Caesar to back her cause (which for some reason he gladly does), and she once again becomes a powerful monarch in her own right.  here's the thing: he didn't need her; he was already married; she was not a beauty.  when Caesar is assassinated, she immediately beds one of the three dictators who ruled Rome following his death, bore him children, and safeguarded her kingdom in this fashion.  here's the thing: he didn't need her; he was also already married; she was still no beauty.  how did she manage all this?  what was her secret?  i believe it was The Art of Sex.  being attractive to a person doesn't have to be about physical beauty.  i believe it has more to do with intellectual prowess, the ability to shift on a dime, an aptitude in playful humor, and the resourcefulness to stay one step ahead of one's quarry without ever letting him think so.  they say the way to a man's heart is his stomach?  i politely disagree. i believe the way to his heart is through his head. keep him dancing, keep him guessing, keep him interested.  make him feel special, make him believe you're special. hell, convince a man that you are someone worth possessing and he will stop at nothing to acquire you.  but let's be clear here: there is no rule which states you must be caught.  never, ever let him think he owns you.  only let him believe he has tamed you.  if you can accomplish that, he will be yours in whatever capacity you wish.

your opportunities are endless, ladies...

...now let's see if i can successfully practice what i preach, shall we?

 

"You don't know and i don't care, so hard i know, it's not fair.
Get with me, i'll change it up like no one has before Knock it down i'll pick it up, put you on the floor
Oh, your love is cool, but don't you know Everbody's doin' it, you can feel it in the air"
~ Rudenko

 

Prepping for the Exam

the Queen and her retinue are all aflutter! the time is coming soon when our raven-haired ruler must make the greatest of first impressions upon the Princes!  there are nails to be polished, tresses to be braided, petticoats to be starched, shoes to be buffed! all this effort and more must go into preparations for the First Of Dates.  the queen's subjects have all kindly endeavored to comply with the order of "no frangipane", and as a token of solidarity have removed most honeyed cakes, slabs of beef and pork, sweetened drinks, and candied violets from their own tables.  she works hard, our queen, calling upon her former training with Lady Eva in the art of all things exercise. the queen is older now and has less stamina. of course, one does not speak of such things outright, but we are all very supportive of her efforts, and much improvement has been made on HRH's personage even as we speak.  God Bless our Queen.

so i have one. a date. i can't believe it myself. pinch me, Friend, because this must be someone else's life.

now before you go lecturing me to be careful and not jump into things blindly, etc. etc., i will take the time to explain that this boy i'm seeing next week operates at a glacial speed. which, for my purposes, it just about right.  it's been a long time since i've been on a date. i am terrified and exhilarated at the same time.  i want to make a good impression. i want to be liked. and i really want to have a nice time.  so a slow pace is preferable to a fast one. i need to get my feet wet before i slip into the sea. 

i am worried about my appearance, like many females of the species are when faced with this opportunity. i have been starving myself and exercising like mad. i have made significant progress since the end of january (thanks, Nutella!), but of course i'm already feeling like it wasn't enough. "if only i could be 10 pounds lighter" "if only i didn't have the beginnings of crow's feet" "if only i were my young, hot self"  if only...  but i am none of those things. i am 40 years old, 15 lbs overweight, have laugh lines, and don't look in the mirror to say to myself "ooh, hawt."  i know i am not a bad looking woman, but i am definitely a fearful one in this matter.  please understand, i spent years of my life seeing myself through Judas' eyes -- what a waste, and more importantly, what a disservice to myself! Judas never did much to make me feel special. but don't blame him; I always knew he possessed that trait. remember -- i was the one who settled. and now, here i stand without anchor or focus, and i have no idea if i am capable of Attraction.

"Frankenstein and Dracula have nothing on you; Jekyll and Hyde join the back of the queue -  the female of the species is more deadly than the male. Oh she wants to conquer the world completely, but first she'll conquer me discreetly - the female of the species is more deadly than the male" ~Space

 

 

The Lady Chamberlain

the Lady Chamberlain Adelheid Einrichtungsmanager ("Heidi") is a chief officer of the Royal Household. she is peer and privy councillor to our beloved monarch, second to Lady Eva in matters of the household but first in public functions of the court. in short, it is Heidi's job to make the kingdom run smoothly.

Heidi is a reluctant member of court. she is a woman schooled in business, mathematics, engineering, biology, and hard knocks. she prefers manufacturing over needlepoint. her expression is most often somber and serious, a countenance she must wear in order to control the marauding legions of soldiers she commands. in order to remain in power, she dusts her flaxen hair and soots her porcelain skin. Heidi is not a woman to be hampered by her looks; her beauty is either a hindrance or a weapon, depending on the motivation of those around her. but beautiful she is nonetheless, and nary a suitor can be found in this kingdom who has not at least once dreamed of taking the hand of this Chamberlain. it is known throughout the land that the queen considers her Lady Chamberlain to be her better in many matters; there has been speculation on both sides of the high seas that the queen and the Lady Chamberlain are actually related. they are often of one mind, and their combined acumen is magnificent to behold. enemies beyond the borders of Aes Sidhe (and even those within) quake at the sight of these two dazzling women standing side-by-side in full stainless steel armor. 

 

Heidi approves of the queen's current state at court.  she knows the story as well as any subject of the realm:  crowned queen long before she had ample opportunity to attend many balls, cotillions, pickinicks, or May Days, our sovereign is a woman of disparity. on the one hand, she is a just and benevolent ruler with a quick wit and sharp tongue. there is a famous story of our queen's travels through the Nubian Plains in which she was surrounded by a pack of hungry cat-beasts.  instead of panicking, our royal highness unslung from her shoulder a lute, and played a lullaby while crooning softly to the cat-beast matriarch. the famished creatures not only spared her life but pulled her royal sledge through the savannah with great haste; she has the pelts to prove it. on the other hand, especially in matters such as the Darkling Art of Enticement, she reveals herself to be rather unlettered and unschooled.  although Heidi remains steadfast to the queen at all times, she has been publicly quoted as saying the queen had been married off to Judas at far too young an age.  she is therefore amused and warmed by the queen's newfound attentions to ones such as The Other White Meat and The Real Megillah. Heidi reminds herself that in this effort the queen is like a young princess again; she is determined to make certain her liege does not stumble during public functions, and helps her practice her diction in the royal mirror every afternoon at teatime. she hopes the court continues to grow with many interesting, powerful, and seductive princes. she wants our sovereign to break bread at many tables, and revels in each schoolgirl peal that emits from HRH after meeting another fearless suitor. her job is to protect the Royal Personage from harm, and she takes this charge seriously. she will not tolerate popinjays or puppet rulers. she holds no opinion on either example of the current princely favorites, other than she is pleased they entertain her dear friend the queen. she hopes they will continue to afford her royal affiliate much amusement and sweet dalliance.

"Give me back my point of view 'cause I just can't think for you.
I can hardly hear you say 'What should I do?' Well... you choose" ~Jet

 

Lady Eva

before you get the wrong impression and think that the only nobleborn in Aes Sidhe are of the male persuasion, it is time to introduce you to a very important member of the queen's court: namely, the Superintendent of the Queen's Household, Lady Eva Mendes.

Lady Eva is HRH's closest confidante. through a series of scandalous actions known throughout the kingdom that are often speculated upon, Eva and the queen became fast friends at a tender and impressionable age when both studied under the tutelage of Dame Schlueter. neither girl was particularly familiar with the cruel and often manipulative ways of court, but the dame's young charges clung to each other for support and camaraderie until each came of age. the two girls could often be found secreted away in the basement of the scullery. it is speculated that this is the place where our fine sovereign learned the art of aerobics and saucy chatter.  it is also assumed to be place she first developed her love of foreign film.

Lady Eva is one of only two sources the queen can depend upon to clearly discuss current matters of the court.  it is no great secret to anyone in Aes Sidhe that Eva currently favors one prince over the other, but she swiftly reminds the queen that hers is a single-ruler kingdom, and should remain so for a long time to come. Eva has the distinct honor of being the only woman in the queen's cortege who has seen both princes. The Other White Meat has been paraded around to a small number of ladies-in-waiting, and all have given their approval.  but only Eva has had the opportunity for formal introductions to The Real Megillah.  as i mentioned, Eva is indeed HRH's most trusted confidante.

Eva and i talk all the time. it wasn't always so.  when Judas was a fixture here, he didn't approve of Eva and so yours truly had to do what she thought was a wifely duty and distance herself from her friend for the sake of her spouse. in turn (and to her credit), Eva did not much like Judas from the start, and knew her dearest friend was destined for sadness and trouble.  Eva had no choice but to distance herself from her friend. but the moment that trouble hit, Eva was once again by my side.  so it is with the greatest of friendships, the ebb and flow of time not really disrupting the bonds created so many years ago. i hope you are lucky enough to find a friend such as Eva, Dear Readers. i know i try to give thanks for her every day.

Eva is the consummate single gal. she is witty, fun-loving, bawdy when encouraged but demure on a man's arm. in short, she is the perfect teacher for this fledgling adventurer-in-training. she finds this whole exercise -- my whole exercise -- to be entertaining and enlightening. we have always been able to play off one another, but in this field of interest she is the master and i the novice. i listen with rapt attention at her feet while she sits on my throne... while no one else is looking, of course. 

Eva reminds me i am a prize, a temptress, and a tease, with a dose of good laughs thrown in for good measure. she honestly feels i am a great queen, but castigates me when i revert to fears of worthlessness. she says she cannot understand how i have not yet come to realize my worth, that i am more than an average monarch. she is teaching me how to regain my regal bearing, how to hold my head during official ceremonies, and how to curtsy with a private wink and the barest hint of ankle. can i share a secret with you?  lean in close and i'll whisper it: Eva says i am already queen, but she thinks one day i may become Empress.

can you imagine?

"All arise from your rest; we'll find enough there to feed you.
Soon you'll belong to the blessed! Spare us your lives while we need you." ~Duran Duran

The Real Megillah

The Real Megillah is defined by his almost preternatural ability to anticipate and parry my feints with equal parts aplomb and snarkiness. He is, by definition, one of the cleverest men in the kingdom.  This gift makes him a prince among princes.  I struggle to keep up with our fencing matches, and I am pleased to announce that this royal son wins more than half the battles. Not all, mind you, but enough to keep this queen's attention.  It is not often Our Royal Personage can be outflanked and outmaneuvered. Megs makes it look easy.  This, Dear Friends, makes Megs look exponentially more attractive to the queen.

The Megillah is a scoundrel of the first order, and he makes me laugh a lot.   He is witty, older, charming, and prolix, an accomplished email writer. I find myself looking forward to his messages and grow disappointed when there isn't one waiting for me in my mailbox. He is intelligent and accomplished, and the more I get to know him the more I get the feeling that he is a Renaissance Man.  That's a fine thing, indeed, if it is true, as the queen appreciates her cousins the Medicis. He is gruff, and quick to apply gentle correction and guidance. Yet upon further inspection, it seems that there is a softer, chewier center to the crispity, crunchity outside. He makes fast work of helping a damsel in distress, and he is sincere when he does so.  He may be a scoundrel, and of course like all scoundrels he cannot be trusted around the Royal Treasury. But at times, it seems, he is a gentleman. 

Megs broke through the first wall rather quickly, as I gave him my real email address early on. But he also broke through the second; I gave him my phone number.  Only The Other White Meat was bestowed that particular honor. But here is the stunner, folks. Are you sitting down?  When Megs called for the first time, he literally made my knees buckle and I had to sit down. That has never happened to me before. His voice is like butter.  I want him to read the phone book to me. The milk carton. The newspaper. The latest issue of JAVMA.  His voice is deep, marginally husky, and curls up slightly around the edges.  It is also trained; I picked up on that almost immediately.  He has good timbre, breath control, and deliciously proper diction. In other words, he's taken vocal lessons. When I heard him, it was a shock; most definitely not what I expected. In fact, I was thrown so much by how attractive I found his voice that I found myself giggly and tongue-tied.  Also so. not. me.  I thought I blew it for sure; figured he wouldn't call again as I was convinced I came off as a moron.  But he did. Later that evening, in fact. And we talked. And talked. Talked into the wee hours of the morning.  Thinking about that conversation while I type this entry makes me want to stop right now and call The Real Megillah. That's powerful mojo, indeed.  Stregare.

What is his flaw, then? My Secret Service tells me that The Real Megillah regularly visits other courts beyond Aes Sidhe. Therefore, The Royal We is cautious to disclose pertinent details about her kingdom around him for fear he is a saboteur. And she worries about getting close to this one: she thinks one day she may find herself liking him far more than he to her. 

"Like anyone would be I am flattered by your fascination with me . Like any hot-blooded woman I have simply wanted an object to crave. But you, you're not allowed! You're uninvited. An unfortunate slight. Must be strangely exciting to watch the stoic squirm; must be somewhat heartening to watch shepherd need shepherd. But you? You're not allowed; you're uninvited... an unfortunate slight" ~ Alanis Morrisette

 

The Other White Meat

The Other White Meat is impossible to define, and he likes it that way.  He is uniquely similar to the queen in that he wears different masks, too. He is an onion. No, that's not right. He's more like the TARDIS.  Much bigger and interminably more interesting on the inside than out.  He is not what he seems to be at first glance. One actually has to do some digging around before finding a key which unlocks a room full of surprising and unanticipated revelations.

Whitestuff is a transplant. Like many in this city, he hails from elsewhere. He is devilishly attractive: dark-haired, tall, thin, of mediterranean-descent, and good-looking much like the admired Nutella.  He shares another trait with the Gold Standard, one which is hidden to the casual visitor. The trait is one to be lauded, not ignored -- but Whitestuff doesn't speak much about it.  This intrigues the queen to no end, as most men would wear this particular badge proudly.  It is something to boast about at the carhop, the country club, the hastily made cot.  But instead White deflects talk about it to other matters entirely.

White is an artist. And a writer. Published. White also has excellent taste in music, which is how he caught this sovereign's ear. These things are in contrast to the hidden Nutella trait. Well, not in contrast, really.  Just. Rare. Like your's truly.  C'mon, we've been friends for awhile now; you can keep my secret.  You know I'm an artist, too, a singer and a writer.  And a science geek.  These things can be considered a contraposition, should be thought of that way, and I like it because it keeps people guessing. Keeps them interested but at a safe distance until I decide to lend them the key.  I guess I am a TARDIS myself.  Perhaps this is why I am so deeply charmed by White.

He is shy. He is so painfully shy that I feel almost brazen around him. And yet even in this matter he is a study of contrasts.  Not once but twice this prince has beckoned me to his personal retreat.  Twice I have rejected him, and my reasons were sound.  I want to get to know White. I think he is one of the quirkiest men I have ever encountered. That is not a crime but a compliment in this court.  He apparently feels the same way about me. We have the oddest conversations, and he says I am clearly the crazier of the two.  I dunno. I think I'm being particularly charming and witty around him. I want to be White's friend. I want to give him a cheese sandwich.

So what's a highborn girl to do? Besides exchanging emails and phone numbers (yes, Dear Reader, White was allowed entrance beyond the second wall of the keep and given the ten digit skeleton), the queen has made formal arrangements for a private audience. I shall not tell you the date, though it has already been logged by my secretary. My advisors fear saboteurs, and a character assassination would be just the thing to set my kingdom to riot. In preparation for the aforementioned but secretly assigned date, the queen is now in full-blown ketosis. The prince is very thin, and the queen feels it would cause an international incident if she arrived at his estate overexcited and overfed.  The frangipane is temporarily abolished from Aes Sidhe's kitchen hearths.

"You wear guilt like shackles on your feet, like a halo in reverse. I can feel the discomfort in your seat and in your head it's worse. There's a pain, a famine in your heart, an aching to be free. Can't you see all love's luxuries are here for you and me? And when our worlds they fall apart... when the walls come tumbling in... though we may deserve it... it will be worth it. Bring your chains, your lips of tragedy, and fall into my arms" ~ Depeche Mode