I want to talk for a minute about identity. Namely, mine.

I am an old-fashioned monarch raised by old-fashioned folk with old-fashioned ideas about dating, love, marriage, and the like. It was a struggle growing up, as these notions were in direct conflict with the current times. I guess you could say I was schizophrenic over matters of love from the get go.

I somehow got it into my head that my role was to complete a man. I thought that my duties as a good wife included putting my hopes, dreams, and desires on hold in order to hang onto my husband. I thought all wives did this. I really did, Readers, don’t laugh. Stop it, I can hear you! Okay, so it’s funny in a pathetic way. I see your point. I certainly agree with you now. I won’t get into the whys – clearly I was mistaken in my thinking and I recognize that now. I’m not complaining about Judas – he certainly played a big role but I made my own bed and simply let him roll around in it. Finally, I’m not going to trash-talk myself -- I know I’m not the only solo queen out there who diminished her own personality for her husband’s sake,  so if I make fun of me I am making fun of other monarchs out there as well and let’s face it, I am simply too polite to do such a thing.

The point of today’s discussion is to speak about identity, or the loss of it.

The hardest part after dealing with the immediate fallout of Judas’ departure was finding myself again. I literally had no personal identity. Everything I was, everything I thought myself to be, was an extension of Judas. Or that Judas was an extension of me. Without him, I wasn’t anyone. I certainly wasn’t myself.

Was I?

Actually, the correct question was: who was I? 

To begin the journey to find myself again, I went back to the starting line.

I laid the foundation by running straight into the comforting hug of Lady Eva. You see, Eva knew me long before there ever was a Judas. Eva remembered exactly who I was even if I didn’t. Eva took me by the hand and reminded me of all the glorious and wondrous experiences I had before the Jacobite King. She helped return the princess I was to the Queen I am, and it felt. So. Damn. Good.

From there it was a matter of slowly but meticulously shucking off the layers of coupledom and exposing the singlehood buried underneath. Don’t forget, Sisters, we were all of us single at one time. Our wedded lives may have been a year, or five, or thirty. But remember: we weren’t born married! I started this peeling process by reconnecting with things I used to enjoy as a single woman. Chick flicks. Alternative music. Regular exercise. Admiring boys (okay, so it was just Nutella for awhile but My Ladies if you saw him you wouldn’t have questioned it!). Those things put me in a better frame of mind because each was like reconnecting with another lost friend. 

It became a lot easier from there, because my life became a lot lighter. Those things that once made me happy helped me become happy once again. I'm not suggesting that A Room With A View and Erasure hold the same meaning for me still. But revisiting a happier time made me realize that happiness was still out there. I just had to go backwards to find it.  Then, once I held that joy gently between my fingers, I carried it forward into my current days.  It stays with me now, shares my food, my friends, my bed, my castle.  It it marvelous indeed.

And so now I am me. Not Queen and King, but merely Queen.  And it's gonna be just fine. Really. It is.

I am sharing this with you, my Royal Sisters, because there are many of you out there lost and alone.  I am here to say with bright conviction that tragic solitude does not suit you.  Find your princess. Hit the reset button. Start from the beginning. You can do it. You're gonna be great!

I'm right here if you need me. Exactly where I want to be.

"I'm moving on alone over ground that no one owns past statues that atone for my sins.
There's a guard on every door & a drink on every floor overflowing with a thousand amens.
And it's hard to say who you are these days but you run on anyway, don't you baby?
You keep running for another place to find that saving grace, don't you baby?" ~Tom Petty

Lady Eva insists!

Clarion call: Lady Eva is now insisting upon the First of Dates before any more correspondence with the princes!  Eva says the time for writing and phoning the princes has passed. She is worried that our cherished queen may be sorely disappointed upon meeting either The Other White Meat or The Real Megillah. And she has a legitimate point.

Our queen is quite comfortable sitting alone in her throne room. She has the Magicks of telephony and electronic messaging. She is a good speaker and a clever writer. She knows how to entice a man without overselling herself. But… until now she has refused a private audience with either prince.

She had a very real and specific reason. Namely, her viceroy and the Lady Chamberlain both insisted she attend to very serious business matters in the kingdom. A complement of ambassadors had come from a faraway land to inspect the farms and industry here in Aes Sidhe for three days, and it was imperative she receive them graciously each and every day. There were great preparations made for this visit, taking months of planning and execution before the emissaries arrived. They were to spend three days in the land, which they did in accordance with prior treaties written three years earlier. It was only yesterday that they boarded their ships and sailed away with holds filled with redolent spices and exquisite tapestries from our coffers. In return we received another three-year treaty. All in all, a comfortable victory for both sides.

But that task is now complete, so the queen must move ahead with her plans for the kingdom. She should tarry no longer, Eva says.  She will be resplendent and august before the princes, of that Eva has no doubt. It is only the queen who worries…

I am not used to this. Not used to being a single woman again. I mean, I have been single…. for some time, in fact. But I have not thought of myself that way. No, I haven’t thought of myself in any particular way for a long time. There was no need, and then when I first found myself to be single again I had absolutely no desire to put myself out there. I took my time to get my royal house in order first, spending a vast amount of energy in self-reflection and examination. I opened up every cupboard and cleared away all the cobwebs.

Except one.

I’m scared, Dear Readers. I know you may find that hard to believe, but it’s true. I am not afraid of putting myself in front of a man. I think that’s where Eva gets confused. I am afraid of rejection, plain and simple. I want so much to be liked that I may be willing not to be loved. If I don’t take the bull by the horns… if I do not actually meet these fellows… if I am contented to remain their devoted and erudite penpal and phone conversationalist… then I cannot possibly get hurt, right? Right???  No, it’s not that simple. I know that. I have to leave the throne room. I have to expose my vulnerable underbelly in order to experience life. I am fearless within so many facets of my existence -- why cower now? Oh, if only I had more faith in my abilities to deal with the opposite sex.

Anybody wanna double-date?

 

 

"Breathe with me. Breathe the pressure. Come play my game, I'll test ya! Psychosomatic addict insane!

Breathe the pressure... come play my game" ~Prodigy

 

 

Alone With Her Thoughts

The queen has dismissed her court and sits alone in her throne room.

What am I doing? (she thinks to herself) How did I get to this place?

And then the most important question of all: Am I ready?

The butterflies in her stomach are sending mixed messages. They could be signs of fear or excitement. She vacillates between empowered and abashed. She wants very much to move forward with her plans for the kingdom but cannot decide if the augers were correct in calling these “auspicious times”.

Auspicious, indeed (she comments aloud to no one in particular) but for good or ill?

She rests her dimpled chin in a cupped hand and stares at a fixed point on the wall across from her. She thinks about all of her physical flaws, wishing against the laws of time that she could dial herself back ten years and be that physical person instead of the one she sees in the mirror now.  She has smile wrinkles in the corners of her eyes which weren’t there before. She has to color her hair every 4 weeks now instead of eight. She has to watch every single morsel of food which touches her lips, and has weight to lose before she can feel comfortable in her own skin. In short, although she never truly contemplated it before, she is now feeling her age. In truth, she is frightened of it. She will have to work three times as hard in the Art of Sex than princesses and solo queens near half her age. She thinks of Cleopatra, and is fortified somewhat.

It’s all in the mind (she reminds herself) You are what you put forth.

Yes, that’s very true. You are what you put forth.  Feeling pretty makes you far more attractive than if you are pretty but feel low. It’s the same in business: walk into a room as if you own the place and you set the tone for respect.  It’s not about arrogance, but about establishing your place in that world, even if you can only hold that position for a few moments.  Ah! I see! So with the First of Dates all I have to do is wear my prettiest mask before the Prince for the first fifteen minutes. After that, the beauty will either bubble forth on its own or leak weakly out of my ears.  

I am SO not ready…

I do this thing where I think I'm real sick
but I won't go to the doctor to find out about it
Cause they make you stay real still in a real small space
As they chart up your insides and put them on display.
They'd see all of it, all of me, all of it. ~Rilo Kiley

I want to take a little bit of time to speak to my fellow solo queens about loss.

Sisters, there is an end to your sorrow. I am living proof.

I know what you’ve been through. I know the almost unendurable pain of failure, betrayal, and the destruction of Camelot. I know that you wake up every morning saying to yourself “Can I really do this? Can I live through another day? Will this pain ever go away?”

I am sorry to say it doesn’t. I won’t lie to you. You are all sovereigns in your own right, and as such I will offer you all the courtesies our birthright affords.   What I will tell you, as certain as the sun rises and sets, that your pain will diminish. It will fade to a dull throb. After awhile -- and I know this sounds like a Faerie Tale in its own right but I can assure you it’s true – there will be times when you don’t notice it. 

Your pain will cease to control you. I promise. But you MUST work at it.

Judas took away any innocence I had left in me. Took my life as I knew it. Took my heart as I gave it. Took my happiness, and left me with agony. He stripped me bare and left me shivering in deep winter. Even if it was not his intention to hurt me in this profound way, he managed to fracture my very soul.

Sound familiar?

Each of us has a story. The details may differ... Our timelines with our Jacobite Kings may have lasted months, years, decades. Some of us have been left with princlings to care for. Many of us have lost our castles. But all of us share that common bond of sorrowrageconfusion. We are tragic in our commonality, but we can draw strength from it, Sisters.

I am here for you.

I spent many months mourning my former kingdom. I knew not where to turn. I thought the end of days had arrived. I wished for death; I am not ashamed to admit it, for my pain was excruciating. But…

But…

But…

I made a promise to myself when Judas walked out not to nuke the kingdom.  I prayed every single day for the same thing; over and over I called out to the Powers That Be, “Strength and Grace!” Strength and Grace. Sounds simplistic, but it was genius in its purity. I reminded myself of all the good that Judas had done for me over the years. I reminded myself that my kingdom was built out of love, not hatred. I reminded myself that to be kind and fair is infinitely more rewarding than to be vindictive and punitive. It was hard. It took fierce concentration. More than once I swallowed the bile building in the back of my throat when I saw Judas. I had to tell myself not to hate him. This was not easy; it’s still not. It would have been much easier to give over to my rage.  But to what end, Sisters?  Where would that get me?  Would he come back? No. Did I want him back? Admittedly, the answer was ‘no’. So then I ask you, Fair Queens… why attack your Jacobite Kings? Why not let them go establish separate kingdoms, for in releasing them you release yourself in the process. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it can be done.

I am no expert. I can only relate to you my own story of woe. What I can say with an open and easy heart is that the time we waste clinging to What Was will only diminish the time we have to look forward to What May Be. I allowed myself time to mourn, to be sad, to be empty. But the day came when I said to myself, NO MORE. I literally told myself that the time for endless pain had ended.  When I felt sad, I walked away from myself. When I felt angry, I gave myself a hug. It was difficult, to be sure, but I refused to indulge my darker self.  No more pity parties for this queen.  Enough.

In short, I forced myself under threat of execution to find joy. I allowed myself to laugh. I allowed myself to be silly. I allowed myself to express my heart in a humorous way. Most of all, I allowed myself to acknowledge my grief without nourishing it. When you face yourself and your greatest fears, Sisters, it’s not the Devil you find. No, it’s only a mirror image of your own person. A weak doppelganger at that. But if you love yourself, truly take hold of your own hand and kiss it sweetly, then your fears contract and subside.

I would swear fealty on that.

“No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the setting sun
My love will laugh with me before the morning comes”
~Rolling Stones

Fear-Full!Less! Contemplation

The queen met with an almost full retinue of ladies-in-waiting this weekend. The mood was one of celebration and joy.  Much of Aes Sidhe’s latest gossip was shared and dissected amongst the women in the spirit of good-hearted fun.  However, much to the queen’s surprise, her ladies were prepared to delve into questions about the Princes which had not occurred to her at that point in time. They had many of their own personal faerie tales of less-than-chivalrous acts to divulge, and divulge they did!  Our queen was left on her dais dumbstruck and fearful.  Why didn’t I think of that, she asked herself. What if that’s true, she wondered.  She walked away from that afternoon’s repast not in happy expectation but cautious anxiety. Our sovereign does not share the minutiae of her queenly duties with many, and when it comes to entertaining princes she can appear almost mute on the subject. Dysphonic. The ladies were all atwitter with the details she was willing to share, but rather than be happy for her some of the company appeared to be downright judgmental. It left our ruler with much to ponder.

I’m not certain what The Rules are. I haven’t reviewed He’s Just Not That Into You. I’m from Mars more than Venus. I don’t, as a rule, lie to members of the opposite sex (full disclosure: this rule does not necessarily hold true in business. But that’s a different ball of wax, now, isn’t it?). I don’t believe in fabricating stories in order to impress someone of romantic interest. I mean, what happens if you lie, and then that person does become interested in you, and then you have to disclose the truth? What a disappointment!  No, yours truly may be making a mistake by being upfront and honest with these new friends I am making, but it’s who I am.  And I am seeking The Gold Standard, don’t forget. I am not interested in the chaff.  The chaff don’t really matter. Therefore, I am careful who I select to befriend, and I am careful about cultivating that friendship.  Don’t be misled – I am not suggesting I have told anybody anything about my former kingdom. At least, I am acutely aware of the proper amount of spin control.  But I am not going to willfully present myself as someone other than who I am. I wear many masks, that is true.  But each mask is a part of me, and each mask represents a facet of my very-real personality.

My friends were frightening me for my own good, I think. I hope. I hope they weren’t frightening me for a darker purpose!  And it isn’t to say they were all that way: two friends of that company in particular have been infinitely kind and gentle with me. They are simply happy I’ve decided to end my sentence in the Ivory Tower and rejoin the ranks of real human beings. I have been away for so long, Dear Readers!  I cannot say whether what I am doing is for good or ill. All I know is that I am having fun, more fun than I have had in years.  I like the new me. She is more aggressive and playful, not willing to be a subject in her own land.  She is smart and funny and kinda sexy-bookish, if there even is such a term out there ;)  Lady Eva says that Tina Fey could play me in the movie about my life.  I take that as a compliment.  But regardless of who plays me in the role, or whether there is a term such as “sexy-bookish”, I intend to move slowly forward with these and any other Princes who may catch my discerning eye. I was a prisoner for eons; now that I am free I intend to take full advantage of what life has to offer me.

I will not cower. I will stumble. Fall. Stagger. Recover. Fall again. Dance. Leap. Pirouette. Embrace. As long as that chain of events keeps me lively and happy, then I will continue on my merry way.  My ladies-in-waiting, although protecting me with the best of intentions, have forgotten the simple fact that this is my second shot at life.  What a blessing!  How many of us actually have that, or even if we have it how many of us recognize it for what it is and take full advantage?!?!

No, the queen shall remain contemplative until the First of Dates. She remains cautious always. But she will not lock herself away, will not become inured to the joy of dalliance simply because it has injured others in the past. She hid for so long.

She’s done hiding.

“And tell me, is it a crime to have an ideal or two? Evolving takes it's time, we can't do it all in one go. Doesn't have to drive us all mad, we can only do our best. Let the mind shut up, and the heart do the rest” ~Howard Jones

Theorum I: The Art of Sex

i have a theory. the Art of Sex has very little to do with the Act of Copulation. copulation is something all mammals do; it's a biological imperative meant to enhance and/or propagate the species. there is no joy to it. it is a physical act: insert tab A into slot B, thrust repeatedly, and share some chromosomes. it lasts moments, a few minutes at best. it may or may not be pleasurable.

big f'ing deal.

yeah, i hear you. i get it. sex is great! sex is awesome! sex is hawt!  but you're missing the point i'm trying to make: sex IS great. at least, it can be.  but sex is not copulation.  at least, not in this gal's lexicon. 

as far as i'm concerned, the best part is the game. the pursuit. the fencing match. the dance between two individuals who are physically attracted to one another but who don't immediately give into their basest nature.  channel that energy into something Other. perhaps a creative outlet such as... writing a blog, for instance ;)  or painting a picture. or unlocking MRSA's mysteries. i think sexual tension is one of the most delightful sensations a woman can experience. but it's not having sex. not even close.

being skilled in The Art of Sex is a powerful tool, indeed. Cleopatra wrote the book, in my opinion. picture this: an 18-year old Macedonian queen who inherited a crumbling kingdom full of economic difficulties, famine, drought, corruption, and dangerous political conflicts. her kingdom was hemorrhaging tributes at a rapid rate.  so what does she do? she smuggles herself into the private chambers of the most powerful man in the world, seduces him somehow, and a short nine months later bears him a son. she convinces Caesar to back her cause (which for some reason he gladly does), and she once again becomes a powerful monarch in her own right.  here's the thing: he didn't need her; he was already married; she was not a beauty.  when Caesar is assassinated, she immediately beds one of the three dictators who ruled Rome following his death, bore him children, and safeguarded her kingdom in this fashion.  here's the thing: he didn't need her; he was also already married; she was still no beauty.  how did she manage all this?  what was her secret?  i believe it was The Art of Sex.  being attractive to a person doesn't have to be about physical beauty.  i believe it has more to do with intellectual prowess, the ability to shift on a dime, an aptitude in playful humor, and the resourcefulness to stay one step ahead of one's quarry without ever letting him think so.  they say the way to a man's heart is his stomach?  i politely disagree. i believe the way to his heart is through his head. keep him dancing, keep him guessing, keep him interested.  make him feel special, make him believe you're special. hell, convince a man that you are someone worth possessing and he will stop at nothing to acquire you.  but let's be clear here: there is no rule which states you must be caught.  never, ever let him think he owns you.  only let him believe he has tamed you.  if you can accomplish that, he will be yours in whatever capacity you wish.

your opportunities are endless, ladies...

...now let's see if i can successfully practice what i preach, shall we?

 

"You don't know and i don't care, so hard i know, it's not fair.
Get with me, i'll change it up like no one has before Knock it down i'll pick it up, put you on the floor
Oh, your love is cool, but don't you know Everbody's doin' it, you can feel it in the air"
~ Rudenko

 

Prepping for the Exam

the Queen and her retinue are all aflutter! the time is coming soon when our raven-haired ruler must make the greatest of first impressions upon the Princes!  there are nails to be polished, tresses to be braided, petticoats to be starched, shoes to be buffed! all this effort and more must go into preparations for the First Of Dates.  the queen's subjects have all kindly endeavored to comply with the order of "no frangipane", and as a token of solidarity have removed most honeyed cakes, slabs of beef and pork, sweetened drinks, and candied violets from their own tables.  she works hard, our queen, calling upon her former training with Lady Eva in the art of all things exercise. the queen is older now and has less stamina. of course, one does not speak of such things outright, but we are all very supportive of her efforts, and much improvement has been made on HRH's personage even as we speak.  God Bless our Queen.

so i have one. a date. i can't believe it myself. pinch me, Friend, because this must be someone else's life.

now before you go lecturing me to be careful and not jump into things blindly, etc. etc., i will take the time to explain that this boy i'm seeing next week operates at a glacial speed. which, for my purposes, it just about right.  it's been a long time since i've been on a date. i am terrified and exhilarated at the same time.  i want to make a good impression. i want to be liked. and i really want to have a nice time.  so a slow pace is preferable to a fast one. i need to get my feet wet before i slip into the sea. 

i am worried about my appearance, like many females of the species are when faced with this opportunity. i have been starving myself and exercising like mad. i have made significant progress since the end of january (thanks, Nutella!), but of course i'm already feeling like it wasn't enough. "if only i could be 10 pounds lighter" "if only i didn't have the beginnings of crow's feet" "if only i were my young, hot self"  if only...  but i am none of those things. i am 40 years old, 15 lbs overweight, have laugh lines, and don't look in the mirror to say to myself "ooh, hawt."  i know i am not a bad looking woman, but i am definitely a fearful one in this matter.  please understand, i spent years of my life seeing myself through Judas' eyes -- what a waste, and more importantly, what a disservice to myself! Judas never did much to make me feel special. but don't blame him; I always knew he possessed that trait. remember -- i was the one who settled. and now, here i stand without anchor or focus, and i have no idea if i am capable of Attraction.

"Frankenstein and Dracula have nothing on you; Jekyll and Hyde join the back of the queue -  the female of the species is more deadly than the male. Oh she wants to conquer the world completely, but first she'll conquer me discreetly - the female of the species is more deadly than the male" ~Space