I want to take a little bit of time to speak to my fellow solo queens about loss.

Sisters, there is an end to your sorrow. I am living proof.

I know what you’ve been through. I know the almost unendurable pain of failure, betrayal, and the destruction of Camelot. I know that you wake up every morning saying to yourself “Can I really do this? Can I live through another day? Will this pain ever go away?”

I am sorry to say it doesn’t. I won’t lie to you. You are all sovereigns in your own right, and as such I will offer you all the courtesies our birthright affords.   What I will tell you, as certain as the sun rises and sets, that your pain will diminish. It will fade to a dull throb. After awhile -- and I know this sounds like a Faerie Tale in its own right but I can assure you it’s true – there will be times when you don’t notice it. 

Your pain will cease to control you. I promise. But you MUST work at it.

Judas took away any innocence I had left in me. Took my life as I knew it. Took my heart as I gave it. Took my happiness, and left me with agony. He stripped me bare and left me shivering in deep winter. Even if it was not his intention to hurt me in this profound way, he managed to fracture my very soul.

Sound familiar?

Each of us has a story. The details may differ... Our timelines with our Jacobite Kings may have lasted months, years, decades. Some of us have been left with princlings to care for. Many of us have lost our castles. But all of us share that common bond of sorrowrageconfusion. We are tragic in our commonality, but we can draw strength from it, Sisters.

I am here for you.

I spent many months mourning my former kingdom. I knew not where to turn. I thought the end of days had arrived. I wished for death; I am not ashamed to admit it, for my pain was excruciating. But…

But…

But…

I made a promise to myself when Judas walked out not to nuke the kingdom.  I prayed every single day for the same thing; over and over I called out to the Powers That Be, “Strength and Grace!” Strength and Grace. Sounds simplistic, but it was genius in its purity. I reminded myself of all the good that Judas had done for me over the years. I reminded myself that my kingdom was built out of love, not hatred. I reminded myself that to be kind and fair is infinitely more rewarding than to be vindictive and punitive. It was hard. It took fierce concentration. More than once I swallowed the bile building in the back of my throat when I saw Judas. I had to tell myself not to hate him. This was not easy; it’s still not. It would have been much easier to give over to my rage.  But to what end, Sisters?  Where would that get me?  Would he come back? No. Did I want him back? Admittedly, the answer was ‘no’. So then I ask you, Fair Queens… why attack your Jacobite Kings? Why not let them go establish separate kingdoms, for in releasing them you release yourself in the process. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it can be done.

I am no expert. I can only relate to you my own story of woe. What I can say with an open and easy heart is that the time we waste clinging to What Was will only diminish the time we have to look forward to What May Be. I allowed myself time to mourn, to be sad, to be empty. But the day came when I said to myself, NO MORE. I literally told myself that the time for endless pain had ended.  When I felt sad, I walked away from myself. When I felt angry, I gave myself a hug. It was difficult, to be sure, but I refused to indulge my darker self.  No more pity parties for this queen.  Enough.

In short, I forced myself under threat of execution to find joy. I allowed myself to laugh. I allowed myself to be silly. I allowed myself to express my heart in a humorous way. Most of all, I allowed myself to acknowledge my grief without nourishing it. When you face yourself and your greatest fears, Sisters, it’s not the Devil you find. No, it’s only a mirror image of your own person. A weak doppelganger at that. But if you love yourself, truly take hold of your own hand and kiss it sweetly, then your fears contract and subside.

I would swear fealty on that.

“No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the setting sun
My love will laugh with me before the morning comes”
~Rolling Stones