An Internal Pep Talk

I am a lot quieter on the inside now than I was a week ago.  It feels good. It feels real now.

I’m going to drop the pretense today and speak plainly to you all. I wish to give myself a pat on the back; I think I deserve one. I still can’t believe I went through with this. If you told me a year ago that I would be not only single again, but on the market again I would have called you crazy. It’s funny how life has a habit of sneaking up on you and taking you for a ride you can’t control.

One year ago I was still dealing with the aftereffects of a terrible car accident which left me with a bad case of PTSD. I was having flashbacks; I was terrified of my own shadow (yes, I know! Me!! The bold fearless one: ter-ri-fied); I was becoming a recluse. I was fat; I was depressed; I was still in pain; I was lonely.

Fast forward one year ahead: I am only ten pounds shy of a normal BMI; I am happier now than I have been in years; I am actively meeting new people; I am exercising regularly; I am driving all over the East Coast; I am fearless again.

So how does that translate to dating?

Well, for starters, with The Other White Meat it was me who pursued him in the very beginning, not the other way around. I forced myself to continue making contact, though these actions were completely foreign to me.  I figured out a way to not only be noticed, but to be interesting to this Prince. And then things began to fall into place: soon he was emailing me first, and then he called. And once again, I took the reins for the first time in my life: I ingratiated myself enough so that he invited me out, but then I turned him down. Not once, but twice. And each time I said to him, “Not yet. Soon.” I set a date. He cancelled it. Then clearly he changed his mind for 24hrs later there we were together.

And throughout this whole process since Nutella I have been saying to myself: Is this really happening? Is this really me? 

So now I have a response to those questions: Yes, dear. Yes it is. And I like you. I like you an awful lot.  You thought you were irrevocably broken, but you weren’t – you are closer to a whole being now than you ever were. You have potential. You have Strength and Grace in abundance.

Go get ‘em, Tigress :)

At winters edge you found me by the fields of wild gold
My hands still filled with ashes from fires long cold
You pulled me from the wreckage of bitterness and blame
Flung open the page and put some flesh on the bones of my dreams

~David Gray