A Look Back in Time

Sometimes it's important to look backwards in order to learn something about yourself going forwards.

This queen is feeling a bit stunted.  I'm not really certain why, but I am in a sour mood with myself these past XXIV hours and keep asking the question why I have not progessed more than I should have.  Hmm. Is that really true?  Is the Royal We stuck in the past, worrying still over a Jacobite King who is no longer a part of Aes Sidhe?  Not at all, for We don't really think much of Judas at all these days. In truth, We have advanced a lot in the past year. We should not fret over the pace We have set for Ourself; We should revel in Our accomplishments. 

So I have chosen, Dear Readers, to share with you excerpts from another private blog, from another time. This was an open letter written some time ago addressed to the Jacobite King. You are forewarned that the tone of this missive is more than a little hostile, but for truth and posterity's sake, I shall not alter its content to make myself look better. I will merely omit parts which may harm the author or reveal the identity of Judas. Nay, what I would suggest to you (and to myself in the process, of ourse) is that when I am feeling out of sorts and question my adventures and readiness in the land of singledom, I have merely to review who I was to take comfort in who I am...

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

It’s a great quote, and one I keep saying to myself in order to remain in control of my emotions.

I think everyone is surprised at how controlled and even-tempered I have been throughout this process. I know the whole world is expecting me to blow up, to attack, to slaughter. And it’s not to say I don’t want to at times. I really, truly despise you, or at least what you have done to me. However, love supersedes anger and derision, and honor must be placed above all else.

It’s not for your sake that I have spared you from wrath, it is for mine. What kind of person would I truly be if I lashed out indiscriminately? And even worse, what kind of person would I truly be if I lashed out at the man I have devoted my life to? You deserve bad things for what you’ve done to me, to our family and friends, but your punishment will not come from my hand unless you break the treaty.

(omit)

No, even during this worst state of my life, even after your ultimate betrayal, I remain loyal. To be clear, I don’t think I would fling myself between you and a pack of rabid wolves anymore, but I will not cause you harm if I can help it. I will protect you as best I can from the one person who could do the most damage and get away with it. Namely, me.

(omit)

But what you don’t know, what you can’t see beyond your own nose is the fact that by not engaging I am actually protecting you from me. I have you in my sights, lined up perfectly in my crosshairs, twitchy finger resting on the trigger just aching to squeeze. But I refrain, because to squeeze just a little would release a torrent of rage so thick I think we would both be smothered to death by it. I am silent and guarded in order to save us both from the painful maelstrom. I will not allow myself to be another Herculaneum.

(omit)

I will not shoot blindly. I will not shoot blindly. I will not shoot blindly.

Sometimes the biggest thrill for a hunter with a sixteen-point buck in his sights is not to shoot, but to not shoot. The exhilaration of allowing something to live can outweigh the thrill of taking the animal down. Watching the buck bound away, white tail raised in alarm once it catches the hunter’s scent in the wind can be a spiritual revelation. There is more power in granting life than in taking it away.

You are in my sights; I hold my breath; I say a prayer to remain in control; you run away.

I let you live, (Judas). I let you live.

Ohmigoodness!  Such ferocity! Such raw emotion! Exposed nerve endings! I am glad she is safely tucked away now. And I ask you: am I not better? Am I not on the correct and righteous path? Am I not exactly where I wish to be at this point and faring better than was to be expected?

I shudder at the barely suppressed rage in that entry written so many moons ago, but I don't want to lie to you, Friends. Many of you wonder if I am deluding myself into believing that what I am experiencing right now is nothing more than folly.  So what if I am? Clearly I am in a better place now than I was when I wrote the above entry! So shouldn't it stand to reason, therefore, that the frivolity I take comfort in now trumps the pain I wallowed in then?

I continue to seek answers to all my questions. There will be no song to end this day...